The Daily Bloon

So, over a week after I saw it and three mafia thug fights later, I have decided to write my review for Chronicles of Narnia! Hot stuff, that.

Title: The Chronicles of…oh, hell, I’m not going to write it all out again. Just read the damn title of this article.
Genre (Movie): Fantasy….Adventure? (I’m beginning to realize how silly my genre classifications are. I’m pretty sure almost everything I review fits in a different genre.)
Description: Jesus in a new, huggable, furry form!
Quickrating: 8/10

This is a holiday kids’ movie. Let’s just get that behind us right now. It’s based off a book for kids, it’s made for kids, and it has a cameo appearance by Santa Claus. It’s a kids’ movie.

That being said, it is a particularily well-done kids’ movie that people of all ages can enjoy. If you’re Christian. If you’re not…well…you’re apparently with the Snow Witch. You’re evil. You have the head of a bull. You know, that sort of thing.

So, let’s summarize the story. Three kids get shipped off to a big mansion of mystery because they live in Europe during World War II and bombings happen. Kids find magical wardrobe that take them to magical place that has all sorts of furry creatures. These furry creatures are enslaved by an evil woman who played the Archangel Gabriel in the movie “Constantine”. Jesus comes. In the form of a furry-wurry lion named Aslan. And saves the day.

It was a good movie. I thought the best thing about it, however, was the sets. The sets were really amazing. Each locale perfectly fit the mood and feeling of the scene. Even if the background was basically the same (forests, winter time, lamppost), the lighting was able to change the mood from wondrous to mysterious and even frightening without seemed intrusive or obvious. Well done there.

The acting is decent, but for kids their age, not too shabby. Although I can’t get over how one of the kids is so whiny and bratty, it hurts just to watch. I feel a strong urge to kick someone in the crotch whenever he comes on camera. However, seeing as I have never read the books, his character may just be a little bitchy, and it may not be his fault at all. But to be on the safe side, if you’re an instinctive person, you may want to warn the people who are going to be near you when you watch this movie to wear cups.

The special effects are quite good. Jesus the Lion looks stunning in all his furry goodness. Much like in King Kong, it’s hard to tell when they switch between their model prop and the CGI character. Most of the other creatures are well done, too. Unfortunately, the creatures that weren’t well done tended to pop up quite often and several times ruined the effect for me. For example, this fella right here. He pretty much looks in the movie like what he does in that display. Very fake looking. Which wouldn’t bother me so much if he wasn’t the GENERAL OF THE EVIL ARMY. Come on, guys. Work on that.

The main reason that this movie lost 2 points is that it felt incomplete. I’ve never read the book, and it felt incomplete. I’m sure if I had read the book, I’d be griping about how they left out such-and-such scene where such-and-such declares his undying love for sacks of potatoes, but even though I haven’t, it still felt somewhat unconnected at points. Certain loose ends weren’t tied up, and me being able to realize that is not a good thing. However, if you’re not overly critical, and you’re not a dirty infidel, this is a highly enjoyable holiday movie that has characters with heavy British accents. Everybody loves a British accent.

After seeing the movie…
The Bloon Blade: “I swear, if they start selling “What Would Aslan Do?” merchandise, I’m going to burn down a church.”
IBloon: “I’D BUY TEN!”