The Daily Bloon

This is a veritable milestone of my career on the Bloon. Even if the website bellies up and turns into a strange, strange porn site involving garden gnomes and fire, I will always be able to look back and be proud. I will always be able to look back and say,
“Yeah, that’s right. I reviewed Snakes on a Plane.”

 Hee, garden gnomes on fire.

Title: Snakes on a Plane
Genre (Movie): You’re kidding, right? It’s snakes. On a plane. The genre of this movie is SNAKES ON A PLANE.
Description: Honestly, it’s all you could ever have hoped for–and more.
Quickrating: My rating system has been rendered useless for this movie. You’ll have to read the review; sorry.

This is easily the hardest review I will ever write. And unless you’ve seen the film, it’s very difficult to explain why. I suppose it’s because Snakes on a Plane isn’t simply another film–it’s an experience. It will boggle your senses and blow your mind. It will destroy every last shred of logic in your pitiful head, then replace those shreds with snakes.
It has Samuel L. Motherf***ing Jackson.

If you’re a strange, hairy hermit living in an abandoned mine, using your dead comrades’ corpses for heat and their facial hair for scraps of clothing (and if you are, I totally respect that), let me tell you the history of S.o.a.P.
I heard about this movie near the end of last school year. The title of the movie was Snakes on a Plane. It had Samuel L. Jackson starring as the main character. This was enough to literally fill the internet with all sorts of SoaP-related tidbits, such as faked movie trailers, radio ads, and vibrant hopes for Samuel L. Jackson to kill snakes with a purple lightsaber. (Unfortunately, the latter one there didn’t happen. Pity.)

You see, when Samuel L. Jackson chose to star in this movie, he didn’t read a script. He didn’t get convinced by a producer or anything else. All he saw was the title: Snakes on a Plane. In that moment, he called up his agent and told him to get him onto that movie.
However, Snakes on a Plane was simply a production title, and the movie producers tried to change the name of the film to Air Pacific Flight 121. But Mistah Jackson told them that they damn well better keep the name of the film or else he’d leave.
Because he’s a BADASS.

So onto the actual film, yes?
Yes.

So let’s clear up one thing.
If you go in thinking, “Oh God, this movie is stupid, its entire premise is stupid, the plot is stupid, I’m going to hate this,” then yes, the movie probably won’t change your mind. But if you go in there, having already gotten over the fact of “Hey, this movie is called Snakes on a Plane. This is going to be awesome,” then it will be enormously entertaining for you.

The movie’s plot is snakes on a plane. If you want to know why the snakes are on this plane, there’s not much more to explain. A guy witnesses a mobster commiting a murder. He has to testify against the mobster in order for him to be locked up. Unfortunately, this requires the witness to fly, on a plane, to LA. The mobster sends snakes to ensure this witness never testifies. Unfortunately for the mobster, he didn’t know Samuel L. Motherf***ing Jackson was the FBI agent hired to protect him.

In all reality, if this movie had been boring, humourless, and predictable, I still would have loved it. I came in with that opinion premade. But the incredible thing was, it wasn’t. It was suspenseful. It was hilarious. It had parts that made you say, “HOLY SHIT! WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?” It has multitudes of quotes and loveable characters. It made fun of itself constantly. Certain scenes of this movie could have been made by group polls of teenagers answering the question, “You know what would be really cool? If blah blah blah snakes blah blah blah AWESOME!” And those teenagers were damn right. It was awesome.

There are few ways to do this film justice in writing. But let’s use my own, personal experiences as a starting ground.
So immediately after seeing Snakes on a Plane, I had to rush off to lifeguarding, where there was a party of upwards of 50 kids, yelling and screaming and leaning on the lane ropes. Worse off, we weren’t getting paid extra for party hours like we normally do, because the parents hadn’t set it up with the company. I had loads of AP US History left to do, along with some Physics and Calculus. This all could have made a terrible, terrible Sunday.
Combined with that, Monday rose swiftly and terribly, attacking me with waking up late for school, quizzes, and a steadily rising pile of homework due the next day.

Anytime over the course of these two otherwise awful days, all I had to do was think of a scene from SoaP, and I giggled with an almost insane sense of euphoria.
Well, it was either that, or the Ritalin. I can hardly tell these days.

“THAT’S IT! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF***ING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERF***ING PLANE!”–Samuel L. “Mmm, this is a tasty burger” Jackson