The Daily Bloon

Hi readers. I’m still alive. Just so you know.
So, coincidentally, is this site. Although I don’t blame you for doubting us. It’s been a damn long time.
So, a review then, yes? I think so, too.

Title: Shoot ‘Em Up
Genre (Movie): About as action as action gets.
Description: Gunfights with a little plot thrown in, just in case.
Rating:

This is a ridiculous movie. It’s a movie about a man who loves carrots. He sees a pregnant woman getting chased by a bad man with a gun, intent on killing her. The carrot-loving man, specifically known as Mr. Smith, then proceeds to save the woman, starting a huge firefight within the first 3 minutes of the film. The movie Shoot ‘Em Up is approximately an hour and 20 minutes long. I would guess that an hour of it is comprised of pure gunfighting. No exaggerations. One hour of bullets.

Talking about the plot is a silly and worthless thing to do. The plot isn’t particularly dumb, but it’s not really interesting. It wasn’t intended to draw attention to itself. In fact, one might say that the purpose of the plot in the movie was to act as a contrast to the action scenes, making them even more awesome. Similarly, acting is not the issue here. If you are going to see Shoot ‘Em Up, you are going to see it for the gunfights, and that’s about it.

And the gunfights are amazing. They’re this incredible mix of John Woo, Sin City, crazy anime cartoons, and perhaps a little 300 in terms of violence. Mr. Smith does absolutely crazy things. It seems like the action scenes were thought up by an 8th grader–not meaning that they were poorly done or executed, but meaning that they are so ridiculous that they’re awesome. Realism is left in the dust to die in this movie. Shoot ‘Em Up isn’t about making sense. Shoot ‘Em Up is about kicking ass.

And it’s perhaps this fact that brought down the rating a little. Other ass-kicking movies–Snakes on a Plane or 300, for example–really left me wanting to go do push ups, or punch people, or taser snakes. After I left this movie, I felt pretty pumped, and definitely wanted to go buy some carrots (you’d understand if you saw the movie), but I was also a little confused. My mind couldn’t decide if the movie was awesome or just silly. I certainly didn’t go into the theater expecting anything but awesome. In fact, I’m sure that if this movie had come out a year ago, I would be giving it accolades every which way. But the fact is, this genre of badass/manliness, if you will, has been kind of exhausted recently. I can only handle so many ridiculously awesome films at a time. Therefore, it would seem the main flaw of Shoot ‘Em Up is timing: one year earlier or one year later would have made it one effing awesome movie.

Although, I might want to add, it may be worth it just to see the craziest sex scene in history.

“Man, do we really suck or is this guy really that good?”