The Daily Bloon

Whenever I am asked the question, in one form or another, “If you could meet/interview/talk with any person in history, who would it be and why?” I have one answer that I love to give.

The person I want to meet the most, out of all the politicians, world leaders, assassins, geniuses, and philanthropists, the person I would most like to meet is the first person who decided that drinking cow milk would be a good idea.

Honestly. Think about it. Who was the first person who looked at a pair of cow udders and thought to him (or her) self,
Damn, I bet whatever liquid comes out of those when I squeeze them is damn TASTY.
There’s lots of weird stuff that we eat, but cow milk has to be one of the strangest ones that’s had the most staying power in world history. Even though we’ve been feeding our own kids with milk , drinking another animal’s milk can’t seem like a bright idea. Besides, I’m sure whoever first grabbed hold of those fleshy pink tubes had NO clue what would come out. And if they had tried any other creatures’ milk first (goat milk, anyone?) they would have been severly discouraged.

Which brings me to ask what kind of person would have been so deranged as to try it. I’m not going to lie, humans seeing udders for the first time must have known they were made to be squeezed. I mean, they’re just…there. Dangling. Pink. Weird shaped. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want to squeeze them? But drinking what came out of them (especially with the pre-knowledge of what comes out of certain human parts when you squeeze them) is a little crazy. There’s no branch of logic to explain that action. Only stupidity.

This point brings me to believe that the first consumption of bovine milk, one of the most nutritionous parts of our diet, must have come from a drunken evening. Imagine, if you will, the following scene:
A man goes out on Saturday evening with his buddies, has a good time, drinks some old-style Schnapps. Perhaps imbibes a little too much. The evening becomes a blur, and the man wakes up naked in a field, laying beneath a cow. The cow’s udders dangle tantalizingly above our hero’s face. Now, being quite hung over, the man is thirsty for anything, be it inappropriate animal fluids or otherwise. So he bends forward a little, opens his mouth, and makes the greatest culinary discovery thus far in mankind’s amazing history.

This story makes me think it could only have been a man to first drink milk. Women aren’t that stupid. Only men could make such a dumb luck discovery.

And after I found out the true story of how milk was first “found”, I would want to find out how the man convinced his friends to try it. That must have been another miracle in and of iself.

Another proof of the fact that most of man’s greatest revelations are made while completely smashed.

An adorable marketing mascot, or a sick, subtle tribute to milk’s inappropriate beginnings? You decide.