This is a bird after my own heart. Check it out, it’s quick.
Author Archive for The Bloon Blade
While our other two posters are busy, one with college, the other with figuring out why she can’t post on the site, I’ve got a quick fun fact of the day to keep you entertained.
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that beer contains the female hormone estrogen.
That’s why after a six pack you can’t drive.
^
From our very own BloonChick. Who woulda thunk it.
Hi readers. I’m still alive. Just so you know.
So, coincidentally, is this site. Although I don’t blame you for doubting us. It’s been a damn long time.
So, a review then, yes? I think so, too.
Title: Shoot ‘Em Up
Genre (Movie): About as action as action gets.
Description: Gunfights with a little plot thrown in, just in case.
Rating: 
This is a ridiculous movie. It’s a movie about a man who loves carrots. He sees a pregnant woman getting chased by a bad man with a gun, intent on killing her. The carrot-loving man, specifically known as Mr. Smith, then proceeds to save the woman, starting a huge firefight within the first 3 minutes of the film. The movie Shoot ‘Em Up is approximately an hour and 20 minutes long. I would guess that an hour of it is comprised of pure gunfighting. No exaggerations. One hour of bullets.
Talking about the plot is a silly and worthless thing to do. The plot isn’t particularly dumb, but it’s not really interesting. It wasn’t intended to draw attention to itself. In fact, one might say that the purpose of the plot in the movie was to act as a contrast to the action scenes, making them even more awesome. Similarly, acting is not the issue here. If you are going to see Shoot ‘Em Up, you are going to see it for the gunfights, and that’s about it.
And the gunfights are amazing. They’re this incredible mix of John Woo, Sin City, crazy anime cartoons, and perhaps a little 300 in terms of violence. Mr. Smith does absolutely crazy things. It seems like the action scenes were thought up by an 8th grader–not meaning that they were poorly done or executed, but meaning that they are so ridiculous that they’re awesome. Realism is left in the dust to die in this movie. Shoot ‘Em Up isn’t about making sense. Shoot ‘Em Up is about kicking ass.
And it’s perhaps this fact that brought down the rating a little. Other ass-kicking movies–Snakes on a Plane or 300, for example–really left me wanting to go do push ups, or punch people, or taser snakes. After I left this movie, I felt pretty pumped, and definitely wanted to go buy some carrots (you’d understand if you saw the movie), but I was also a little confused. My mind couldn’t decide if the movie was awesome or just silly. I certainly didn’t go into the theater expecting anything but awesome. In fact, I’m sure that if this movie had come out a year ago, I would be giving it accolades every which way. But the fact is, this genre of badass/manliness, if you will, has been kind of exhausted recently. I can only handle so many ridiculously awesome films at a time. Therefore, it would seem the main flaw of Shoot ‘Em Up is timing: one year earlier or one year later would have made it one effing awesome movie.
Although, I might want to add, it may be worth it just to see the craziest sex scene in history.
“Man, do we really suck or is this guy really that good?”
So I was dutifully checking and deleting the spam for the Bloon tonight when a certain spamcomment caught my eye.
It read as such:
RE: viagra cello
This immediately set into motion a chain of thoughts that probably should have been stopped much earlier than it actually was. Begin a cellist myself, however, my curiousity was piqued. Firstly, since when do spam machines try and sell cellos? The viagra I understand, lesser males than I are always trying (in vain) to increase the size of their pitiful penises. But cellos? That’s certainly a new plan of attack.
After the initial shock of “Do people really like cellos? Could it be? Could I be loved???”, my mind leaped into more fantastic realms of thought. What would “viagra cello” entail? Is it some kind of cello that enlarges one’s member by simply playing it? Or, even better, would simply hearing said cello’s sounds suffice to raise the national colors, so to speak?
Or perhaps “viagra cello” isn’t something for men at all. Perhaps “viagra cello” is some kind of pill for cellos to aid the poor instruments who have strings that simply are too limp to be played. But how would it be ingested? Cellos do not have mouths.
And the “re” implies that whatever “viagra cello” is, it has been used or ordered or somethinged at least once before! Therefore, it must be in high demand.
Thus, dear readers, I urge you–scour the stock market for something that has to do with “viagra cello”. Whatever it is, it seems to be–wait for it–on the rise.
Bonjour, tout le monde, from France!
I forgot to alert you, my dear readers, that I will be in France and thus unable to post (for most of the time) until the 25th. Until then, I’m sure our loyal posters Bloonchick and Microbloon will keep up our near-continuous publishing rate.
…aHEM…
France is magnificent. The cheeses are to die for, as are the women. Cheese and beautiful girls…this country truly has its priorities straight.
I’d love to tell you all more about my journey, but alas, the keyboards are freaking strange and ’tis très difficile to write for an extended amount of time. Donc, a bientôt, dear readers!